Monday, July 1, 2013

Body Issues (And Why I Won't Be Getting my Boobs Done)

I've been thinking a lot about body issues lately, and why women and girls have such a hard time with body image. (Just so you know, if you're looking for a writing tie-in with this post, there isn't one. Sorry.)

I've read a few things about ways to help girls develop a healthy body image. One woman talked about how she doesn't tell little girls how pretty or cute they are, she tries to focus on other things. How smart, kind, they are, etc. Her point being that by telling them they're cute right away, it makes their looks overly important. I get what she meant, but the truth is, boys get that, too. When my son was little he got a lot of "oh, look how cute you are!" And now he gets "oh, what a handsome little man you are!"

And we've all heard a lot about how it's because of the images girls see of thin, flawless women on magazines and book covers, in movies, ect. But again, boys see that, too, don't they? Tan, buff, shirtless guys with rippling muscles? So why do these things affect us more than them? (Not to say they don't bother boys, too, but I swear basically any woman can tell you all the things she hates about her body and guys just don't seem to think about it as much.)

Having had four kids, I definitely miss the body I had at twenty. (Not that I appreciated it at twenty, of course.) And I see other moms who are thin and gorgeous and I totally get jealous. (Even though I know those moms aren't happy with their looks, either. My sister-in-law looks like Angelina Jolie, for real, and she still gets jealous of other moms. It's nuts.)

I also know a few moms who have had their breasts done. They all say it was the best purchase they've ever made. So clearly, it was the right decision for them. I just want to say why it's not the right decision for me.

All of these women say that they got them done, not for anyone else, but for themselves, for their own confidence. While I know that a nice new rack would probably improve my confidence, too, I don't like that about myself. I don't want that to be where I find my confidence.

And I don't want to send the message to my girls that the way you look is important enough to spend tons of money on or to face the risks that go with any surgery.

I don't want their confidence to be determined by their cup size.

All this got me wondering, do they get it from us? Their mothers? I'm sure my oldest daughter has heard me whine to my husband about how fat I look in a particular outfit. But I can assure you my son has never heard his father make such complaints about his looks. I can't even imagine my husband leaning back, looking in the mirror whining, "Do I look pregnant in this?"

So, I have made a decision from here on out my daughters will not hear me complain about my weight. They will not hear me talk about it. Period. This doesn't mean my weight will never bother me again, just that I will keep that to myself.

If I want them to find confidence in who they are, I need to show them I'm confident in who I am. No matter how wobbly my belly, or flat my chest.

27 comments:

  1. You're a smart mother.
    Most of us guys don't think about it because we're just in denial.
    Never understood fake boobs. Artificial anything on the human body looks just that - artificial.

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  2. Great post. Positive body image is hard to teach. But it's so important.

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  3. Good for you for being honest. I've never had a great body, and I'm covered in scars from multiple surgeries, but I don't think I'll resort to plastic surgery to look like the starving, air brushed models who are not even real. The only reason I might indulge would be to make some of my more unsightly scars less visible. ...And maybe a tummy tuck, after 6- and 7-pound twins made a bad feature worse. LOL

    As to complimenting kids' looks, I'm split. I think it depends on the child and their self image. I could have used some of that when I was little. Although, I think the negative things we say do far more damage than the positive things we don't.

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    1. Personally, I think it's never a bad idea to compliment kids, whatever it's about. :)

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  4. This is why parenting seems scary to me-- kids don't learn from what we teach them, but who we are.

    I'm insecure about my body too, and my way of dealing with it is to be thankful for the positives-- just having a healthy body is a blessing we don't realize till we fall sick.

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  5. Excellent post,Rachel! The thing about girls is, once they're at school and they reach a certain age, everything becomes about looks. Their friends will likely all be worried about weight, looks, clothes, who is prettier etc. If you can show your kids how totally unimportant it all is compared to being a decent, healthy person, you are definitely doing the parenting thing right!

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  6. Negative body image destroys anyone. Whether boy or girl. Great post Rachel.

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  7. This is such a great post. And one I definitely need to listen to as well :)

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  8. Great points. It's scary to know just how close those little ones are watching us- isn't it?

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  9. That's very wise of you. Body image is a really hard concept to have a healthy relationship with. I think it's wonderful that you're not going to complain about it out loud in front of your daughters, but don't internalize too much of it. Everyone knows we're supposed to focus on healthy living, not thin living. But maybe quelling the out-loud voice can soften the inside one as well.

    (and good for you for recognizing your confidence shouldn't come from a body part you have no control over).

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  10. A long time ago, when I was young and stupid, I thought it was us men that put pressure on women and focused on their looks. I know it's out there, but it doesn't compare to the pressure from other women.

    I think women are constantly comparing themselves to others, and that's why they're all jealous of somebody else.

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    1. I agree, it doesn't come from men. Women are much harder on themselves, and each other, than men (as a whole) are.

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  11. I did a bunch of research on this last year. Interestingly, I discovered girls raised in nudist societies had the HIGHEST body image. Which led, not to me being a nudist, but to me walking around naked a lot more so my daughter can see what a normal female body looks like and that I'm not ashamed of it...which is sometimes hard because of my own body issues! Sigh!! It's multi-generational body issue-issues :)

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    1. Wow. That's very interesting. Again, showing them we're happy with our own bodies is big thing. :) Thanks for sharing!

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  12. Hey,

    Great post, Rachael - and you should definitely read this to your girls later (not today, but you know, *later.*)

    As a Papa to three inter-racial kids, our boys have gotten the "you're so cute" comments from birth, and I do wonder if their egos will be supersized, in part, later on in life.

    I know I learnt a lesson when I was about eighteen... a few friends and I were at a dance and we played a (stupid and mean) game of "let's dance with the unattractive girl"

    I "won" and asked this large girl for a dance. It was only supposed to be one dance, but she was soooo funny and we ended up dating for nearly a year...

    For me, the moral of *that* experience has been to look beyond the exterior and find the true person inside...

    Thanks for sharing... :)

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  13. Thanks, everyone for the kind words! I'm trying to figure this stuff out (parenting and body confidence, both) as I go. :)

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  14. I won't be getting any plastic surgery either. Or at least I don't plan on doing so as of now. :)

    I've read the parenting things that say don't compliment them on stuff like looks or even smarts, cause when they don't do well on a test or if someone DOESN'T say oh-you're-so-cute, then they feel so bad. Compliment then on effort and how they treat others. It's a good point.

    My daughter has made fat tummy remarks about herself. She's not even chubby at all and it makes me sad. So I think it's really important not to get that at home because if mom is saying it like society, it's gonna be harder to fight those image problems.

    I've been lucky to not have big weight problems, other than right after pregnancies, and I'm in my ideal weight range, but when the issue of weight comes up, with me or someone else, I phrase it as, I want to be healthy. Not that I want to lose weight, or be skinnier, but I want my body to be healthier and that means not being overweight, which can cause other health issues.

    So that's what I'll try at least. Sorry for my long-winded answer. :)

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  15. Absolutely true - such a great post and this makes you a great mother! I've never understand the draw for fake boobs either. I'm happy with mine, either they are small or not really big. We really do need to encourage that positive image with ourselves and our children. :) Wonderful post!

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  16. I'm not sure why guys seem more confident about their looks, though I'd agree with that. I think it's also a reason why a lot of them spend less time shopping for clothes; they're not as concerned with how they look. I wish I could be like that.

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  17. I don't think our body image has that much to do with how we actually look. I'm less worried about my appearance now than I was twenty years ago although it's not likely my looks have improved since then.

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  18. Oh how I love you and this post!! All of my friends, including my two best friends got their boobs (and more)work done a few years back. I thought they were beautiful before the work. But they felt they were lacking. To me, elective and surgery, don't go in the same sentence. Am I perfect? Hell no. Do I wish I could improve my body? Heck yeah. However, I am super sensitive to body issues and negative talk about my body in front of my three young girls. They are so impressionable. After witnessing all the boob and other transformations going on in my circle of friends, one of my girls asked, "What's so great about having giant boobs Mom?" I couldn't really give her a good answer. After nursing all three of my girls I'd be happy if my giant boobs just stood up on their own again. LOL!!!

    xo You are beautiful Rach!! JUST the way you are.

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  19. I had such weird body issues and self-esteem snafus growing up I vowed to not do that to my daughter. Although not perfect (like you mentioned, I tend to whine about my body), it's gratifying to see my 17-year-old daughter confident with her body as an athlete and have a healthy perspective with food and body image. It was a gift I was determined to give both my kids.

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  20. I had a horrible self-image as a teen. And honestly, I don't know where it came from my mom was never one to obsess. But her family did. I remember being a kid and hearing my aunts try to talk my mom into make overs and such, but my mom was a tom boy and never into that sort of stuff.

    It's np surprise though. I mean come on, they rake people like Jessica Simpson over the coals for her weight and she's carrying what? A few extra pounds. It's so sad. And I think the constant focus on fat as a health issue int he school is going to create even more problems. I don't know why we don't just encourage kids to eat healthy and move and stop talking weight. My 7th grader told me they all got weighed in gym class and one little girl was over 200 pounds. Now why was that necessary? That poor little girl. That's public humiliation.

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  21. Sometimes I wonder if this negative thinking is what made me start having body issues at 12...

    I don't have kids but I've already made the decision to not be so negative about my looks around my future little ones. And, unless it's medically necessary, I am NOT having plastic surgery of any kind.

    It's a privilege to get to grow old. Why squash that?

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  22. Wonderful post. That's a good commitment to make. I have a lot of body image problems myself, but not as many as I did when I was 20 and in much better shape than I am now. I bite my tongue when it comes to making a negative comment about myself in front of my son. I make it a point to comment on the good things I can do, and about his father, his friends, and himself. He gets told a lot he's cute, but I want his confidence not to be from that but from his good attributes.

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  23. Funnily enough, I've never had body issues. Sure, there have been a few gripe-worthy things here and there, but for the most part, I've always liked the way I look. It's my personality I'm the most insecure about. (I'm so reserved, people tend to get the impression that I hate them when I don't.) Not sure why I'm so comfortable with my looks, though, since my mom is the exact opposite. She always has something to complain about with her own looks. She'll even complain about mine, whenever I get something like a zit. (It's like, seriously, it's just a zit. Who cares?) It always makes me sad when I see her gripe about herself, so I think it's great how you're going to avoid that with your own children. I imagine it'd make them sad to see you complain about yourself, too!

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  24. great bras are a wonder but your message to your daughter is fabulous!

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