So there is an amazing contest going on right now where you can give a quick pitch to an awesome agent, Ammi-Joan Paquette. Here's the link to check it out. You post a two line, (up to 35 words) pitch and the first 150 words of your YA or MG novel. We have some time now to get feedback on our pitches, then post the official one on the 17th. I've already read some great entries!
So. . .anyone willing to give me some feedback? I would really appreciate an honest critique.. It is impossible to hurt my feelings, I promise!
So here goes:
YA novel
Flesh-Eating Zombies and Evil Ex-Girlfriends
Pitch: Erwin and his classmates become locked in their school after people start craving human flesh. As the zombies' numbers grow Erwin must decide whether or not to stay, and who he's willing to leave behind.
First 150:
The carpet in the school library was rough against Erwin's cheek, but the uncomfortable floor had nothing to do with why he couldn't sleep. No one was sleeping. Everyone was lying there in silence, the fear and tension in the air so thick it reminded Erwin of movie scenes where the ceiling is coming down to crush everyone. The only difference, he thought, was that in the movies they always escape just in time.
It was hard to believe only a few hours ago he had been working out in the school gym. He remembered thinking, this day couldn't possibly get any worse. He laughed at the thought now. Outside he heard another bang as the things that used to be his classmates tried to claw and crash their way into the locked school.
I loved it!!!
ReplyDeleteI wanted more!!!
Really? Thanks Patty!
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI love it! When do I get to read the whole thing?
ReplyDeleteI don't know. When will I see you again?
DeleteThis is great! It's so wonderful scary and terrifying. I have never read a zombie book before and this is tremendous. I love your hero's voice. Really great and good luck!
ReplyDeleteTwenty Something Fiction Writer
My Book Giveaway!
Your pitch and first 150 words sound great. You've got a lot packed in such few words. I love the last line.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
First off- terrific title!!
ReplyDeleteYour pitch sounds great and I was pulled in from the beginning to your first 150!
Great job!
Thank you so much! I usually am no good at titles, but I like this one, too. :)
DeleteYour pitch is okay, but it seems a little flat.
ReplyDeleteIt may just be because the word become is a passive verb and automatically takes a reader out of the action. Try to replace it and see if it's better.
As for your first 150, like the tension but does your book really start here? It seems an odd place to begin. We have no idea how they became zombies or what his life was like before.
That's a good point on the pitch. Tomorrow is the 'official' post so I'll try to play around with it tonight.
ReplyDeleteThis is the beginning of the book. Then it goes back to earlier that day, after school, and we see how they end up locked in the building from there.
Thanks for the critique!
I'm intrigued - I'd read it!
ReplyDeleteGreat, thanks!
DeleteHi there.
ReplyDeleteReally like the title - I already want to hear about the evil ex-girlfriends. A tiny suggestion: I would give a bit more information as to why he was not enjoying the gym. Does he just hate pumping iron or did something bad happen that morning?
I know I'm always in it for those tiny details!
From here it actually goes back to the afternoon before. The ex is why it had been a bad day. :) And we get to see what has led up to this point, why they're there, etc.
DeleteThank you so much for taking the time to read it and offer advice! I'll play around with maybe adding another line there. :)
I agree 'become locked' seems very passive. Were they locked in accidentally? If so then 'are trapped' sounds livelier, I think. If someone locked them in in purpose then it would be good to say so.
ReplyDeleteLove the title.
Thanks for the feedback Patsy. I did change it a bit for the contest, but I think I can make it even better when I do start querying. Thank you guys for all your help!
DeleteThanks for commenting on my query over at Matt's blog! Nice to meet you :)
ReplyDeleteA great hook and snippet from your book!
Thanks! I loved your query. You really got a sense of the main character. Plus I love that it is so not your typical vampire book! The getting back at her ex thing sounds great.
Delete