tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-878172058685455293.post1529440137965276380..comments2024-03-29T02:21:51.087-07:00Comments on Writing on the Wall: Perfect Pitch ContestRachel Schieffelbeinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01629400142880123520noreply@blogger.comBlogger20125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-878172058685455293.post-4714517526930975212012-01-18T18:47:49.059-08:002012-01-18T18:47:49.059-08:00Thanks! I loved your query. You really got a sense...Thanks! I loved your query. You really got a sense of the main character. Plus I love that it is so not your typical vampire book! The getting back at her ex thing sounds great.Rachel Schieffelbeinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01629400142880123520noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-878172058685455293.post-59612414821496225132012-01-18T18:40:45.407-08:002012-01-18T18:40:45.407-08:00Thanks for commenting on my query over at Matt'...Thanks for commenting on my query over at Matt's blog! Nice to meet you :)<br /><br />A great hook and snippet from your book!alexiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07122487552931794871noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-878172058685455293.post-3582201045626540912012-01-17T18:27:45.666-08:002012-01-17T18:27:45.666-08:00Thanks for the feedback Patsy. I did change it a b...Thanks for the feedback Patsy. I did change it a bit for the contest, but I think I can make it even better when I do start querying. Thank you guys for all your help!Rachel Schieffelbeinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01629400142880123520noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-878172058685455293.post-85310436785267063032012-01-17T14:52:16.435-08:002012-01-17T14:52:16.435-08:00I agree 'become locked' seems very passive...I agree 'become locked' seems very passive. Were they locked in accidentally? If so then 'are trapped' sounds livelier, I think. If someone locked them in in purpose then it would be good to say so.<br /><br /><br />Love the title.Patsyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12263765378083045973noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-878172058685455293.post-72681338345389450332012-01-17T09:58:49.765-08:002012-01-17T09:58:49.765-08:00From here it actually goes back to the afternoon b...From here it actually goes back to the afternoon before. The ex is why it had been a bad day. :) And we get to see what has led up to this point, why they're there, etc.<br />Thank you so much for taking the time to read it and offer advice! I'll play around with maybe adding another line there. :)Rachel Schieffelbeinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01629400142880123520noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-878172058685455293.post-74289193996848835552012-01-17T09:47:25.647-08:002012-01-17T09:47:25.647-08:00Hi there.
Really like the title - I already want ...Hi there. <br />Really like the title - I already want to hear about the evil ex-girlfriends. A tiny suggestion: I would give a bit more information as to why he was not enjoying the gym. Does he just hate pumping iron or did something bad happen that morning?<br />I know I'm always in it for those tiny details!Yellow Brick Readshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08017822068691824050noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-878172058685455293.post-2447914526384409302012-01-16T18:56:07.516-08:002012-01-16T18:56:07.516-08:00Great, thanks!Great, thanks!Rachel Schieffelbeinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01629400142880123520noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-878172058685455293.post-34658317276710520922012-01-16T18:34:24.554-08:002012-01-16T18:34:24.554-08:00I'm intrigued - I'd read it!I'm intrigued - I'd read it!Amyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03805048784056376058noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-878172058685455293.post-12037965177729867312012-01-16T16:37:31.699-08:002012-01-16T16:37:31.699-08:00That's a good point on the pitch. Tomorrow is ...That's a good point on the pitch. Tomorrow is the 'official' post so I'll try to play around with it tonight.<br />This is the beginning of the book. Then it goes back to earlier that day, after school, and we see how they end up locked in the building from there.<br />Thanks for the critique!Rachel Schieffelbeinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01629400142880123520noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-878172058685455293.post-62301041515460393862012-01-16T16:17:28.916-08:002012-01-16T16:17:28.916-08:00Your pitch is okay, but it seems a little flat.
It...Your pitch is okay, but it seems a little flat.<br />It may just be because the word become is a passive verb and automatically takes a reader out of the action. Try to replace it and see if it's better.<br /><br />As for your first 150, like the tension but does your book really start here? It seems an odd place to begin. We have no idea how they became zombies or what his life was like before.Rachelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13813034388044650466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-878172058685455293.post-17173732331175562482012-01-16T15:43:35.912-08:002012-01-16T15:43:35.912-08:00Thank you so much! I usually am no good at titles,...Thank you so much! I usually am no good at titles, but I like this one, too. :)Rachel Schieffelbeinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01629400142880123520noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-878172058685455293.post-17083171746733398362012-01-16T13:08:58.321-08:002012-01-16T13:08:58.321-08:00First off- terrific title!!
Your pitch sounds gre...First off- terrific title!! <br />Your pitch sounds great and I was pulled in from the beginning to your first 150!<br />Great job!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-878172058685455293.post-82133731480059143512012-01-16T09:19:21.348-08:002012-01-16T09:19:21.348-08:00Your pitch and first 150 words sound great. You...Your pitch and first 150 words sound great. You've got a lot packed in such few words. I love the last line. <br />Good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-878172058685455293.post-29009000039982661302012-01-16T09:06:04.007-08:002012-01-16T09:06:04.007-08:00I don't know. When will I see you again?I don't know. When will I see you again?Rachel Schieffelbeinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01629400142880123520noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-878172058685455293.post-25311503347071811962012-01-15T20:03:30.073-08:002012-01-15T20:03:30.073-08:00This is great! It's so wonderful scary and te...This is great! It's so wonderful scary and terrifying. I have never read a zombie book before and this is tremendous. I love your hero's voice. Really great and good luck!<br /><br /><a href="http://twentysomethingfictionwriter.blogspot.com/" rel="nofollow">Twenty Something Fiction Writer</a><br /><a href="http://twentysomethingfictionwriter.blogspot.com/2012/01/twenty-something-fiction-writers-book.html" rel="nofollow">My Book Giveaway!</a>Victoria Smithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14983121458179944639noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-878172058685455293.post-57358112209288444852012-01-15T19:56:22.393-08:002012-01-15T19:56:22.393-08:00I love it! When do I get to read the whole thing?...I love it! When do I get to read the whole thing?CSandberghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14923717810070112736noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-878172058685455293.post-25375425973662593932012-01-15T19:54:25.426-08:002012-01-15T19:54:25.426-08:00This comment has been removed by the author.CSandberghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14923717810070112736noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-878172058685455293.post-254210481126870852012-01-15T17:42:06.330-08:002012-01-15T17:42:06.330-08:00Really? Thanks Patty!Really? Thanks Patty!Rachel Schieffelbeinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01629400142880123520noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-878172058685455293.post-4670203080386491082012-01-15T17:41:03.569-08:002012-01-15T17:41:03.569-08:00This comment has been removed by the author.Rachel Schieffelbeinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01629400142880123520noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-878172058685455293.post-43686918105517181172012-01-15T17:09:28.265-08:002012-01-15T17:09:28.265-08:00I loved it!!!
I wanted more!!!I loved it!!!<br /><br />I wanted more!!!https://booksthoughtsadventures.comhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12270725992084535102noreply@blogger.com